My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
