when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
