You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And then he peed in my hair
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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