I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
