So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
