gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
