i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
