Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
