god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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