fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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