you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
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you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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