thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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