he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
