break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
