I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
