Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize