Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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