That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
