A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My ass is underappreciated
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