I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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