I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you didnt know i had herpes?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
