I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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