I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
