can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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