I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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