The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
