i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
