I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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