i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
