I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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