my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
