So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
