Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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