Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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