So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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