i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So vagazzling was a success
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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