Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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