drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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