btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
