i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
