If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
