when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
