i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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