i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
