last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
