I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
