i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
