YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
