she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sext me about skeletons
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
