Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
