I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
