i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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