we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
