I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.