he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos