The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.