My cat gives me a boner
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.