3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
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Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.