The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
