I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.