we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
