I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
